Today I feel haunted by the way your bones folded
like wings under skin, no feathers, dimpled
and pink, a bird plucked naked, body
empty, eyes ever growing, your voice in the dark
closet of my ears echoing again and again–
I want to disappear.
I want to disappear.
I’ve already disappeared.
I will never disappear.
I feel like I’m losing you
still, like I don’t trust your shadow to stay
on the ground, everything flighty
like maybe you’ve never been here.
But sometimes we lay on the grass waiting
for a storm to come, wishing
to be soaked through, wishing
to be cold and together
under this open sky
clouds closing
rain opening
sun going down
moon up
clouds over
so much above me, so little weight.
I keep waking up at 5 a.m.
to a voice that calls me beautiful.
I question if this is a nightmare or a dream
or just you and me and
the rock in my stomach.
I want to pull it out through my throat and
throw it through your window, glass
shattered, shards raining, broken window, broken
window, broken,
broken.
Pull me in, please. Can you
touch the glass under my skin, the gravel
still inside my knees, churning
so the sound of my joints keeps me
up at night. I tell my ears to stop
listening, but they hear everything
but me, are dried pears pressed
against the window pane,
are two little girls with palms up
and open, mouths and eyes closed, hearts
an open attic stairway full of October apples.
When did these get here?
Where do we put them next?
I have three of your letters heavy
in my breast pocket. I have a map
that won’t unfold and might not be a map,
might be a window, might be your bones
sharp in a dim room, might be your laughter
and is maybe all of this or nothing, ash
breaking into clouded air at my breath or fingertips–
this is all I have. This
is all I have. My palms
are opened and stained and yours,
not yours, not mine,
mine, yours, yours, you,
you, you. Without you
just me and this dim night of clouded noise,
air thick with moths like women
in dresses made of ash throwing themselves back
and forth through the light.
jenny did it 